12 Steps?

My time mysteriously disappears down several Internet black holes. Facebook is a big consumer of time, what with keeping up with the quotidian minutiae of the immediate world,  playing endless games of Scrabble with Calvin and friends, and playing endless, mindless games on the evil Mindjolt games there. E-v-i-l. I have openly admitted my addiction to the online version of Ticket To Ride. My desk screams for attention as do the stack of books on my nightstand. Oh, and of course this blog. Many days this month I’ve found myself racing against the clock to post something before the stroke of midnight.

Hi, my name is Alto2, and I’m addicted to my computer:

Etched in stone.

1. I am not powerless over my computer. I just choose to ignore the ugly reality of my life.
2. I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. They’re called children, spouse, and bills.
3. I have decided to turn my will and my life over to the care of G-d. I’m waiting for Him to clean the house and pay the bills.
4. I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. And I like it.
5. I have admitted to G-d, to myself, and to all you blogfriends the exact nature of  my wrong. Won’t you join me?
6. I am entirely ready for G-d to remove all these defects from my character. G-d, while you’re at it, can You delete my potty mouth, too?
7. I humbly ask G-d to remove my shortcomings. I also humbly ask G-d to remove these 100 pounds I’m struggling with.
8. I made a list of all the persons I have harmed, and I am willing to make amends to them all. Just as soon as I find it in the pile on my desk.
9. I have made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would be inconvenient or uncomfortable for me.
10. I continue to take a personal inventory, and I admit that I am wrong to continue forsaking my responsibilities for that 101-point Bingo! in Scrabble.
11. I seek, through prayer and meditation, to improve my conscious contact with G-d. Yes, I really do this weekly in synagogue.
12. I have had a spiritual awakening, and I’ll practice these principles in all my affairs. Just as soon as I get them in order. Later. After I play another round of Scrabble with Calvin.

And, if I have offended anyone, please accept my profound apologies.

Perfume

This is merely a perfunctory post. I walked 2.5 miles today and had a busy day. I’m sleepy, but I need to post something.

Currently, my favorite scents are Narciso Rodriguez, Sisley’s Soie de Lune, and Cartier’s Le Baiser du Dragon. I like Narciso because it is clean, modern, and floral without being citrusy or soapy. Soie de Lune enchants me with tuberoses; it’s slightly exotic and reminds me of a blast from the past, Maroc by Ultima II.

As for Cartier, they are fragrances for a woman of substance. Le Baiser du Dragon (Dragon’s Kiss), is a heady, sexy, sandalwoody scent meant for evening wear.

What’s your favorite fragrance?

Swine

Pigs are swine. This is a fact.

Men are swine. This is demonstrable.

County health department employees are swine, too. Why? Because they immunized Wild Thing with the regular flu vaccine this morning instead of the H1N1 vaccine. I am LIVID. There isn’t enough invective — there aren’t enough expletives — in this world to express the depth of my rage. When WT came home with this tale, I nearly hit the roof. Instead, I called the County Health Department and got through to the Immunization Director. She tracked down my child’s vial and batch number to confirm he received seasonal flu vaccine. She also informed me the County will come back to the Snooty School on Friday to administer H1N1 vaccine to the 60-75 kids who were affected.

At 4:32 p.m., some 6+ hours after my child got the wrong shot, County Health Dept. Nurse Barbara called, in a chipper voice, to tell me my kid got the wrong vaccine.

So, I ripped her a new one. She hung up on me.

Then, I called the Snooty School nurse, who fled campus at 3:20 p.m., of course, and left her a very stern message. She’ll probably report me to the school administration. I hope she does because I’ll give them an earful, too, like I have never done before.

The moral of the story is that when I, personally, take Wild Thing in for the H1N1 vaccination clinic on Friday, I am going to inspect every last credential of every nurse that even looks at my kid, AND I, personally, am going to inspect the vial, batch, and box of the vaccine to be administered to my child. So help me G-d, if anyone interferes with me, I will beat the shit out of her.

Pause

It’s the end of the first week of NaBloPoMo, and I need a little breather. Despite today being Sunday, it was another busy day spent in the car, entertaining kids, and screaming at an unrepentant Wizard for another one of his selfish and destructive tantrums.

So, I’m spending this evening watching my favorite show, “The Amazing Race,” and other soapy Sunday night diversions. I’ll be back tomorrow with something humorous, pithy or maybe just pissy.

Good night, blogland.

A Mostly Lovely Day

Let’s focus on the best parts of today, shall we?

Today was Moose’s first basketball game.

Pearls

In my never-ending quest for meaningful, positive things about which to write this month, I found a challenge from Sock Girl to list 5 pearls of wisdom I’ve learned from a young person (teen or child). OK, Sock-babe, here goes.

1. Children know good books when they read them. Moose and Wizard encouraged me to read the “Percy Jackson and The Olympians” series this summer after we saw a trailer for “The Lightning Thief” movie coming in February 2010. They loved the modern take on mythology. Even Wild Thing, a reluctant reader, read the first book and loved it.
2. Laugh with your children, more often than you laugh at them. Wizard shares my cynical sense of humor and made me laugh at one of his antics this afternoon. It felt great to share yuks with my moody teen.
3. It’s all about the shoes. A little girl in synagogue tonight was wearing some fierce pink-and-white cowboy boots. They matched her shiny pink headband. She also has this fabulous pair of sparkly red shoes that rival Dorothy’s on any given day. Little Girlfriend, your kicks always make me smile.
4. A good scare is cathartic. Wild Thing and Moose routinely hide around corners from each other, jump out, and scare the snot out of the other one. I’ll hear “Boo!”, “Aaaaah!” and then peals of laughter.
5. Boys smell, but they don’t know it. Little boys smell of sweat and candy and stinky underwear. Big boys smell of body odor, body spray, and chips.

Pass this Pearl along and tell me and/or Sock Girl all about it.

Shut Up and Drive

Dear Condo Cave-dweller,

Today, instead of walking with my friends, I decided to go for a bike ride through my neighborhood and yours. I clipped my water bottle to my bike. I donned my helmet and strategically placed my cell phone and set out. I huffed and puffed my way up the street, and it was getting just the tiniest bit easier. So, I decided to venture past the gates of the Estates, where The Zone is, and through the adjacent condos, oddly known as The Courtyards, from whence you came.

I enjoyed riding through The Courtyards. A bevy of mallards waddled out of my way as I peddled around the sparkling pond. By this time, I was feeling a bit stronger, so I decided to ride all the way out to the main road before turning back to my house. I coasted out of The Courtyards and avoided riding on the sidewalk because your lame condo association never keeps its plants trimmed. As I rounded that blind curve northbound, I heard your car behind me; I steered towards the right edge of the road, hoping to get out of your way.

Apparently, that conversation you were having on your mobile phone was so engrossing that you couldn’t pay attention to the fat broad (me) riding her bicycle on the sunny lane. You sped by me and forced me on to the grass. I skidded on to the sidewalk and crashed into the coral rock wall. My right hand absorbed the full impact; I’m lucky I didn’t break it. Bloodied and badly shaken, I limply pedalled home. My right hand now has several huge holes in it. They are not easily bandaged, and they sting.

Caveman, you suck as a driver. You suck as a neighbor, and you suck as a human being for failing to stop to see if I was alright. Hang up the damn cell phone and pay attention to the road.

Sincerely,

Alto2

P.S.  If you ever venture out of The Courtyards and into The Estates, the last thing you will see is the rictus on my face as I flatten you with my big-ass new car.