Beneath The Surface

Today, all my emotions lay just beneath the surface. One minute I was fine. The next minute I was in tears. I am told this is normal, but I feel so unstable.

I did not sleep well last night; maybe that’s why. I kept waking and sleeping with so many things on my mind. The one thing that bothered me the most was how was I going to “properly” say the mourner’s prayers for my father back in The Zone? There’s not a large Jewish population. WineGuy really does not want all those people in our house every night this week. I do not want to put any more stress on him, but I want to do what is right. When it finally reached a normal hour this morning, I called WineGuy and discussed things with him. We worked out a compromise that will meet my needs and his but will not likely be halachically acceptable. I am supposed to say the Mourner’s Kaddish (Prayer for the Dead) daily with a minyan, a gathering of ten Jewish men and women. Without the support of a large synagogue, I won’t be able to accomplish this. My synagogue is very small but very close. Three couples will drive 2 hours to the funeral and 2 hours home just to support me. 

I will say the prayers on my own everyday. I will go to Sabbath services this coming weekend when there will definitely be a minyan. That’s the best I can do, and I hope my father will understand. Hopefully, he would have wanted me to be more concerned with intent than formality. 

Finally, what really prompted me to post today — after being trapped in my mother’s house with hoards of people — was a quiet moment with my first cousin, Lee. Lee’s mother is Aunt Mary, my favorite aunt, and her father was Dad’s brother, Uncle Ozzie. Lee flew in just to escort her mother to the funeral. Aunt Mary walked in, and I went outside to greet Lee. She was my father’s very favorite niece. I started sobbing the moment I saw her. She was comforting and kind and asked me about Jeopardy. I told her I regretted not telling my father how I did. She replied to me, “Don’t worry. You know that my father pulled your dad into his arms and welcomed him. They will sit and watch you arm in arm.” What a peaceful image: Uncle Ozzie pulling my father toward him in a long-awaited, warm embrace.

Lee, you were always the coolest. You still are.

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5 thoughts on “Beneath The Surface

  1. Alto2

    I’m glad that, among all the family members that surround you, you have a few that can give you some of the comfort and kindness that you need.

    A friend of mine (Jewish incidentally) died a few days before my wedding and (in this case) more importantly a week or so before the Quantum Leap series finale. In and amongst all the stress of my wedding and wanting to be in California there was another subtle but sure knowledge going around among the group of friends.

    M knew before the rest of us, what happened in the final episode.

    I’m just as sure that Sam knows what happened on Jeopardy.

  2. I would be honored to pray the Kaddish daily in spirit with you. If you let me know the time you plan to pray, and a copy of it (I know my copy is in one of the many boxes in the attic) I will make sure to join you.

    Your father created an amazing woman. Know you are loved.

  3. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I were there to offer some kind of support in person.

    Lee is right. Your father is will know how you did on Jeopardy. And he will be so proud of you.

    (((Hugs)))

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