Letters I’d Like To Write

Dear Grocery Bagger:

Thank you for bagging my groceries the way I send them down the belt. There is a method to my madness, and, yes, even grocery-bagging is an anal-retentive process just like washing dishes and loading the dishwasher. Just ask TPGoddess. However, those green bags are definitely rectangular, so PLEASE bag the items according to the bag’s dimensions.



* * * * *

Dear Mailman:

You are a lazy bum. When you bring a package or a slip to my door for signature, bring the day’s mail, too.

Postally yours,


* * * * *

Dear Mr. UPS Driver:

You have great legs! Thanks for ringing my doorbell each time you deliver a package. Thanks for pulling over on my street so I can pass you and get home a bit quicker.

Go brown!


* * * * *

Dear Markie (former housekeeper):

Are you sure you don’t want to come back to work? Despite your blowing me off and disappearing two years ago, you occasionally pop back into my life. You did a much better job than Dusty, my current housekeeper. She’s nice and all, but you’re far more thorough.

Still cleaning,


* * * *

Dear Raised-by-Wolves:

How can you utterly lack all social graces? You’ve been a DIL to MIL for a while now — and you were with Dopey (BIL) — long before that; MIL has tried and tried to show you the right or gracious way to do things. Yet, you are still clueless, and you stir the waters to boot.

Once of these days, RBW . . . I’m going to set you straight. The Zone family will probably ostracize me, but I don’t really care. Someone’s got to shake some sense into you. If you weren’t so cheap, maybe I’d give you Letitia Baldrige’s book for Chanukah.

Very truly yours,



5 thoughts on “Letters I’d Like To Write

  1. I am always appreciative when the grocery bagger actually pays attention to whether something has been packed to the brim with too heavy items. Most of the time though, I have to remind them that there are plenty of those pretty re-usable bags and please divide the weight evenly!

    Our mail man never brings the mail with a package either.

  2. why do i get the feeling that all the other letters were just to get that final one out in the open 🙂

    but it’s nice to know that someone else loads the grocery belt purposefully, and gets peeved when the checkout chick chucks tins in the same bag as fresh peaches….

  3. I’m the same way about the groceries. It seems there are a few of us that way. 🙂

    I have a lovely mail person (woman) who brings the mail with the package. But I suspect she’s the exception to the rule.

  4. Pingback: Letters I’d like to write « life in the minivan lane

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