Beach Observations

Wild Thing and Moose do not have school this week. Instead of a big trip to Disney, like we did last year, we’re having fun closer to home, mostly because Wizard does have school. Today, I took WT and Moose to the beach for a few hours. We stopped at CVS for some new beach toys and Subway for some sandwiches and drove the 3.5 short miles to the Gulf of Mexico. It was a glorious day: hot, sunny, breezy, cool water, and warm sand. WT and Moose behaved beautifully and played so well together. They shoveled sand, buried my feet, and played a bit in the “cold” (77ºF) water. While the boys amused themselves, I people-watched and generally ignored my book.

Sandy Wild Thing

I observed . . .

  • Most beachgoers here are fat. Not just pudgy but downright obese. I saw more men with Dunlop’s disease (the belly “done lopped” over the belt”) than I cared to. Most of them were sunburned to a crisp. Unattractive. The one guy with a legitimate 6-pack was 6 feet tall, 160 lbs., and pasty white. Unattractive.
  • 98% of women on the beach are wearing the wrong bathing suit for their figures. Big boobs do not belong in strapless suits, ladies. Most women’s bathing suits utterly lack proper support for breasts: no cups, no foundation, nothing. Breasts were flopping and sagging all over the beach today. Yech.
  • Many children wear sun-protective clothing but not sunscreen. I watched a dozen little monsters run by with those nylon swimshirts and burnt, red noses. C’mon, people, put some hats and Coppertone on your kids!
  • By the preponderance of flat “A”s and really retroflex “R”s wafting across the beach, half of the Midwest is spending the winter here. Thanks for the capital infusion, but when are you leaving?
  • Smoking should be banned from the beach.
  • Seagulls are mean and aggressive. They must be stopped.

Sandy Moose


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