->To the elderly couple seated behind me:
That darling little dog, whom you claimed was a good traveler, yipped and whined for the entire flight. Telling Fifi to “shush,” and “be quiet” was more annoying to me than helpful to the mutt. Next time, leave the mongrel home.
-> To the cranky old woman with the overstuffed bag:
You picked a seat in the rear of the plane, so stow the bag there. There was no overhead room up front, and you didn’t want to gate-check the bag, so stop arguing with the flight attendant. You got stuck next to the fat man: deal with it or pay the extra fee to get more space (like I did).
-> To the young couple with a toddler:
He was cute and well-behaved for the flight. Thank you for raising a young traveler, one who knows to keep occupied in a confined space. No need to apologize for taking extra time to board and affix the car seat. Once upon a time, I was in your shoes, and I struggled to wrestle young children and their gear. However, don’t disrespect me for commiserating with you or being tolerant. I’m now traveling with a sick and weak man, and it is no easier to manage him than your toddler.
-> To Maria, the flight attendant: I apologize for snickering during your announcements. You sound just like Natasha. I was sure Boris was close by. Moose and Squirrel in the next row totally agreed.