WineGuy, the light of my life, my bashert and true companion, passed from this world on May 18, 2015. He fought lymphoma valiantly for the past 2 years, but in the end, cancer won.
The past two weeks have been a blur of funeral arrangements, traveling, an endless barrage of phone calls and emails. My closest friends circled around me, helped me with what I hardly knew I needed, and ran my life. Now, shiva is over; the memorial service is done. Harsh reality set in today when I realized how very lonely I feel. Tonight, I just wanted to have a conversation with WineGuy about anything or about nothing at all. But, all I have is an enormous hole in my heart and three sons still to raise.
For most of this evening, I debated whether to shut down this blog. I’m a loyal person, and I can’t turn my back on the history I’ve created here. I feel like writing may help me through this process, yet I still can’t decide whether this blog is the right venue or whether I should abandon yet another project and start something new. Since I always counsel others to wait until the right choice presents itself, I’ll follow my own advice.
NaBloPoMo started me blogging back in 2007. It emails me monthly, nagging me about the month’s designated topic. I saw June 2015’s topic, “Ready, Set, Go” and can only respond this way: I’m not ready to be a widow. My life is turned upside down, and I’m far from set. I have no idea where I’m going. The healing process has to begin sometime. I’m not sure if now is the right time. I only know I am compelled to write once again.