We take a break from our mournful navel-gazing for another in a random series of rants against Big Business. Today’s target is Xfinity a/k/a Comcast.
I moved to The Zone more than 14 years ago. At the time, the only cable/internet player in town was the phone company, Sprint. I signed up with Sprint and ended up in the Fifth Circle of Hell, where the wrathful and sullen are punished: intermittent Internet service, cablecards that never worked right or just died. It was so bad that I got the name and direct-dial number of the local senior hardware engineer, who ended up personally trouble-shooting my account. After 18 months of pure hell, I switched everything to Comcast.
For a few years, we had no problems; then, the obsolescence epidemic hit. Every few months, the family room DVR would have a seizure and die. No rhyme, no reason, no explanation, just sudden death. The master bedroom DVR never had a problem, just the one in the family room. Once again, last week, the family room DVR started clicking and popping, and I thought it was speaking to me in an African click language. After Wild Thing and Moose complained about the picture freezing, I realized the DVR was dying again. So, I shlepped the box back to the brand new Xfinity Store, foolishly located next door to the only Trader Joe’s for 100 miles and therefore lacking adequate parking. I managed to find a parking space and entered “digital Nirvana”. Well, that’s what Comcast wants you to think: iPad sign-in, iPads to play on, LED screens scrolling inane programming while Pandora blared in the background. Because tourist season is over, there was no wait, and I received my new DVR box and remote in record time. Wild Thing brought in the box and set it up. He and I both tried programming the remote, but we only got it to control the box and channel, not the volume. This morning, I went back to not-Nirvana and exchanged the new remote for another one. I came home and toggled through six different TV codes before finding one that worked. “Great,” I thought, “we’re back in business.”
Wrong, wrong, wrong. The new remote turns on the TV and controls the volume but does not control the box. I called 1-800-EXECUTEME and spent 20 minutes on the phone with a tech. What did we learn? The new box is probably defective. I have to go back to not-Nirvana again this afternoon to exchange both the DVR box and the remote. However, while I was on the phone with the tech, I demanded some recompense for my time and frustration: I’m getting one new X1 box and am not paying the upgrade fee for it. Verification of vindication pending actual activation of service.
Xfinity is excrement.
Tales From The Testosterone Zone 
Hi there, please allow us to help! We can be reached at we_can_help@comcast.com. Please include your account information and a link to your blog post so we can start assisting promptly.
Kind Regards,
Comcast Cassie
Not only a reply, but a a post-script: I had to call Comcast 5 times last night to get the box authorized and working. As far as I’m concerned, Comcast should comp me *another* X1 box with no upgrade fee. Secondly, “Comcast Cassie,” I know how to get results from your undereducated, desultory, half-witted, non-English speaking, indentured servants in Manila and Bangalore: I refuse to speak with them. Put me back in the queue so I can talk with someone in the Continental United States, whose first language is English, so I can convey my concerns once and well. FWIW, I speak, read, and/or write four languages, but, unless I’m in Miami, I prefer to do business in English with someone who speaks and understands the American dialect. So, unless and until Comcast moves all its call centers back to North America, I’m not interested in sharing my **private** account information with you, Cassie. You found your way to my blog post; now find your way out.